It's All Relative
by SHADO Commander
Summary: An accidental discovery puts some dangerous information in Kim's hands at the worst possible time. Will the girl who can do anything do ANYTHING to take her arch rival down a peg, and exactly what is the secret that Shego never wanted to be exposed? M-ish


_AN and Legal Stuff at Bottom._

###############################

**It's All Relative…**

by SHADO Commander

###############################

"Kiiiimmm…." Ron's slurring voice whispered nervously in Kim's left ear. "Don't turn aroun', but dash Sheego's shitting at tha other end of tha bar, ishn't it?

Kim, of course, turned and looked. Her disguise had held up so far, after all, so why not tempt fate just a little more?

The sight she saw damn near knocked the breath from her lungs. Shego… if it was her… was sitting at the far end of the counter, wearing Daisy Duke-style cutoff shorts, a light plaid shirt tied up with a knot to reveal a generous portion of midriff and a pair of old sneakers so chewed up and worn with age that it was a miracle they still clung to her feet. But as Kim's experienced eye ran back up the long length of the woman's legs, she found herself mentally comparing the size of the woman's boobs to her own hands…

"That's not Shego," Kim hissed back at Ron sharply, glaring at her inebriated boyfriend with eyes that were unfortunately no where near as drunk as his.

"It ISH," Ron inshist… er… insisted. "Jusht look at her!"

"Ron, look at this rationally." Kim argued softly, trying to meter her words under her breath so as not to attract attention. "Shego's got a tiny scar above her left eyebrow and she's got bigger… she's green. And why in the hell would Shego be sitting in a backwoods bar outside Gompers, Louisiana?"

"I'll give you tha gren part," Ron admitted begrudgingly around his thick tongue, having finally noticed that his focus on the subject in question wasn't as quite as in focus as perhaps she could be, but still digging in his wobbly feet on general principal. "But she could've shome way to hide that. Ash for tha resht, what tha heck are WE doing shitting in a backwhoosh bar outshide Gompersh, Louishiana?"

Kim had to admit, those were good points, especially since the reason they were in a backwoods bar outside Gompers, Louisiana wasn't exactly legal. The fact was, she and Ron were here trying to get drunk, which was why Kim was wearing a long black wig and Ron was disguised as… well, he THOUGHT he looked like a trucker, but the paste-on moustache he had glued to his face actually made him look a lot more like the motorcycle guy from the Village People wearing a cowboy hat.

As to why they were trying to get drunk, well… as much as Kim hated to acknowledge it, she and Ron had come to a rather critical crossroads in the progress of their relationship. Although it had turned out, much to their relief, that kissing and hugging came relatively easily to them, they'd soon found that their previous status of best friends and surrogate brother and sister was causing horrific complications every time they'd attempted… more _intimate_ relations.

Okay, specifically, they'd discovered in a simultaneously hard and not-so-hard way that they BOTH got way too freaked out at the thought of… touching each other below the beltline, or in Ron's case, making an approach on the twin peaks Possible. The worst part was that, being normal teenagers, they both had the inclination to do exactly that… but the fact that this was their best friend, coupled with the fact that they'd actually swapped and occupied each other's bodies once, made the entire thing seem a little too weird… kind of like incestuous masturbation. And, just to add to the general air of wrongsickness, the second time they'd attempted it, Ron had regrettably used a phrase he'd once heard to describe the… process… that Kim had been unable to get out of her head ever since.

'Bumping uglies?' Kim thought in disgust. 'I mean, yeee-ech!'

So, after a bit of research (ie: asking some of the other cheerleaders about THEIR first time,) Kim had come to the quick conclusion that the first times of the vast majority of the girls she knew had involved some level of alcohol consumption. Coincidentally, Kim and Ron both had very good fake IDs… in fact, they were fake only in that the people they were made out for didn't exist, as they were actually made out by the state of Wyoming… that had been secured for them for a mission for Global Justice.

Which, in summation, was why they were now wearing the moderate disguises that went with the pictures on the IDs and ordering drinks in a bar that met the vital qualifications of being A.) far enough from Middleton that there was no way anyone they knew might wander in and B.) having a reputation for serving just about anyone who flashed an ID that wasn't drawn in crayon.

Unhappily, they'd since run into yet another problem, which was that Kim apparently had an unnaturally high tolerance for alcohol, something that might be related to the already high immunity to pain killers and sedatives her body had built up over the years, while Ron… didn't. At the rate they were going, Ron was going to be under the table before Kim was even starting to feel 'loose,' even though he'd only had three drinks to her ten.

None of which addressed the mystery of why Shego… or this woman who looked so extraordinarily like Shego… was here. Maybe she ought to offer to buy the woman a drink as an excuse to take a closer look…

"She don't swing that way," the bartender suddenly volunteered. "Just so ya know."

"Huh? What?" Kim jerked. "What do you mean?"

"I've been watching the two of you look at Sara," the balding, bartender grinned knowingly, displaying a missing incisor and three gold capped bicuspids. "You'd be surprised how many of you 'swingin'' city folks come out here looking for a little companionship in the sack, but young Miss Sara there is strictly monogamous and hetero."

"Oh, no," Kim backpeddled, blushing furiously. "It's nothing like that. It's just that she looks an awful lot like someone we both know."

"Heh," the bartender snorted, motioning to the far wall. "Kinda hard not to know someone like that if you're from around here."

Kim followed his nod to a group sitting in the corner. Holy crap! Now that she'd actually taken the time to look a little more closely in the indicated direction, there were TWO more women sitting at the table who would have looked just like Shego, had one of them not obviously been in her forties and the other been just a shade over 18. The total jaw dropper, though, was that the men sitting at the table with them were the spitting images of Mego and Hego… if Mego was in his late fifties and Hego had red hair and a beard. A quick glance around found two more Hego analogs, yet another Shegoesque woman and several random Megos and Wego-a-likes.

"Who are they?" Kim asked in a hushed tone, to which the bartender just laughed.

"Why, you're in Gompers, Louisiana, girl!" the man confided. "And they're the Gompers!"

#############################

Seven hundred miles away, Shego suddenly sat up in her cabana chair, a chill inexplicably running down her spine despite the tropical heat that baked this sun drenched stretch of Mexican beach.

A "possum," her maternal grandmother had called them, short for "a possum just ran over my grave." But what had caused the sudden strange sense of alarm? And what had possessed her to think of her grandmother, part of the family that she and her brothers had all disowned when they'd let the federal agents carry her and her four brothers off after that comet had crashed into the private holler where the woman who would eventually take the name Shego was born.

But that name, girl, and branch of the family were all dead as far as she was concerned, one of the very few things that she and Hego had ever agreed on. He had no more interest in his little superhero team being connected to their backwoods biological relatives than Shego did, so all of the paperwork involving the 'adoption process' of the future Team Go had mysteriously disappeared years ago. That had been her first truly professional bit of breaking and entering, now that she thought about it. And it wasn't very likely that anyone else was likely to reconnect the broken threads, given the Gompers' preference to stay in their own neck of the woods, happily interbreeding.

Still, if anyone ever found out…

Shego shivered. There were things that even she feared.

Abandoning her towel and beach accessories on the sand behind her, she rose and started heading for her room. If she took a flight out of Cabo at six…

############################

"You're kidding…" Kim giggled in disbelief. "THAT'S Shego's real name?

"That's right," Wade's face acknowledged from the Kimmunicator screen in her hand. "After her maternal grandmother. And would you believe Hego was born Harcourt Etienne?"

Kim snickered. And snickered again. And then the hilarity rolled up from inside her and exploded into a full-blown fit of maniacal cackling that threatened to split her sides and stop her breathing. Only the desperate need for air briefly ended the rasping, gasping wheeze of her now painful giggles, and even then it still threatened to erupt again as she lay there, almost unconscious from the sheer ridiculousness of it. It was just so funny.

"I'll… uh… talk to you later," Wade volunteered a bit nervously. He'd suspected Kim was a little bit tipsy when she called, but now it was clear that she was more than 'a little."

"You rock Wade," Kim informed the blank screen, dropping the Kimmunicator on the floor as she missed the end table she was aiming for.

God, no wonder her arch foe went by Shego instead of her real name. This was so much more than merely interesting information… but what could she do with it? She COULD just wait and pull it out on her emerald arch nemesis when they were fighting, but throwing out the other woman's real name simply to distract her seemed a horrible waste of such incredibly potent ammo.

And frankly, it just wasn't evil enough. After years of being called 'Pumpkin' and 'Cupcake' (Kim had to admit that she had actually come to like 'Princess,') the teen hero had to think of something extra-special. Something that would make Shego twist and turn with the same kind of mortified embarrassment that her off color taunts had always inflicted on Kim. Something… Epic.

Of course, looking over at the unconscious Ron snoring on the bed, Kim realized that she'd have plenty of time to do that tonight… they'd rented this cheap hotel room at the Gompers Inn with the notion of sleeping off the effects of their drinking binge after finally getting over their inhibitions, but by the time she'd finally felt lubricated enough to get… ugh… properly lubricated, it had become apparent that only one of them was going to be making proper use of the room's most prominent piece of furniture tonight.

And that was assuming Kim could ever stop snorting to herself.

And then it happened.

Perhaps it was simply TOO funny to have kept to herself no matter what the case, but in an epic case of bad timing, the alcohol finally loosened the rigid moral control Kim had always kept on her conscience… just as she looked down at the end table… and Kim Possible had the most evil idea that she'd ever had in her life.

She was still grinning, in her sleep, when a badly hung-over Ron found her curled up in the room's armchair the following morning, and by that time the deed had already been done.

**################################**

Kim woke up in a tangled mass of sweaty sheets. Had she just heard a banging at the front door?

Sure enough, there came the powerful, insistent pounding yet again.

Wincing at the pain of discomfort from the still healing wedgie wound inflicted by one of Duff Killigan's hypersonic sand wedges the previous day, the young hero pulled herself out of her small bed and grabbed an oversized shirt from where it had hung on the lower left post. Combined with the panties she was already wearing, it would be enough coverage to deal with whoever was stupid enough to wake a girl who knew 28 different forms of martial arts from a really shitty night of barely any sleep.

And that thought only served to make her wince again, since it was the knowing 28 different forms of martial arts that had been indirectly responsible for both the wound AND the lack of sleep.

Killigan had managed to sneak one good hit in on her because Ron hadn't been there to back her up, and the reason Ron hadn't been there was because…

Because she scared him. At least that stupid night of drinking had had the one beneficial effect of clearing the air, and in the aftermath, Ron had finally revealed that one of the main reasons he wasn't able to act all studly around her was that it was hard to feel like very masculine and manly when you know that the woman you're with could snap you like a twig. He'd hoped, with his newfound mystical monkey powers, that he'd feel more confident and 'up' to the task, but he obviously still had a lot of issues to work out in that department…

So, end of story, Ron had taken off for Japan the next day, to a place where he thought he could do that working out, leaving Kim to handle the hero work for herself. That had been six days ago.

The pounding on the door increased in volume… it was like a jackhammer now!

"I'M COMING!" Kim screamed, grabbing for the doorknob and yanking the door open… only to find the last person she expected.

"Shego…?" Kim gasped. It was the green woman alright, but it was a Shego she'd never seen before. The villainess' hair was snarled and disheveled, her trademark jumpsuit wrinkled and unwashed. And under her normally bright green, now bloodshot, eyes, were twin bags suitable for an around the world cruise.

"Hide me," Shego begged. "For God's sake, hide me!"

Kim didn't think, simply reacted and motioned for the woman to come in. Shego needed no further invitation, slipping around the young hero in a flash and pulling the door shut behind her with a slam.

Not exactly in the mood for being the perfect hostess, Kim never the less did remember that it would be polite to ask if her 'guest' would like a drink, but as she turned to phrase the question, she saw Shego collapse bonelessly on the sofa and Kim's automatic hero programming kicked in.

"Shego…" Kim asked worriedly, rushing to the even paler than usual woman's side. "Are you alright?"

The villaness' eyelids flickered open as Kim put her hand on her forehead. "The doc cut out yesterday morning without telling me. Just left a note saying I was fired."

"Fired?" Kim blinked. That was… almost unthinkable. Shego was the only reason any of Drakken's schemes ever got as far as they did. Drakken might as well be cutting off his own right arm.

"Couldn't blame him…" Shego sighed, reaching inside her rumpled and sweat-soaked catsuit to pull out an even more rumpled and sweat-soaked piece of paper.

Kim gasped as she realized what she was looking at.

**The Greater Gompers County Weekly News and Swap Sheet**. She'd seen it before, of course, sitting on the end table of a certain hotel room. She'd been pretty out of it when she'd thought about dialing the tip line, though… so woozy, in fact, that she'd actually doubted that she'd even done it.

But Shego's current Mug Shot on the front of her hometown newspaper was proof that, indeed, she had spilled all the beans to _somebody._

**Missing Local Girl Found!**

_Thanks to an anonymous tip, this paper has learned that long missing teenager __**Sistine Josephine Gompers,**__ better know to her extended family as __**Sissy Jo**__, has actually been leading a life as an infamous…._

"What am I going to do Kim?" Shego was saying.

"Huh?" Kim snapped back into focus. "What? Who?"

"The Family," Shego looked at her wide eyed. "Don't you understand? I had to die to get away from them! That's why all of Team Go adopted these crazy colors… better to live a life as a green freak than…"

Shego shivered as if the temperature in the room had suddenly dropped fifty degrees. "Kin is Kin, Kim. Kin is Kin. And my relatives make the Beverly Hillbillies and the family from Texas Chainsaw Massacre look normal."

################################

"Now where in the tarnation do you think Sissy Jo ran off to?" Grandpa Jerimiah wondered out loud. The spitting image of how Mego, aka Montclair Hugo Gompers, would look when he hit his sixties, he eyed the pitifully small amount of liquor that remained in his bottle. He and his sons and nephews had gone through most his sister's daughter's daughter's hidden stash that morning, and while the majority had been so weak as to hardly qualify for the word booze, he had to admit that this _Domaine de la Romanée-Conti__Montrachet 1978_ had been mighty tasty.

"Don't know, gramps," His great, great, great grandson and fellow Mego-doppelganger Jubilation called from the swimming pond, which was proving to be great fun among the 26 kids now that they'd hauled out all the alligators and roasted them. "She kinda left real fast after she found out that blue guy was gone."

"Oh well, she'll be back eventually or we'll find her," Jerimiah shrugged. "Now why don't you get Harlon and Beau to drag that death ray thing out here and we'll see if we can't get it working right proper. I think it was darn unfamily-like for Hego, as he's calling himself these days, to turn us away when we showed up at the Go Tower. Kin is kin, and that means extending hospitality."

"That's right, gramps," Jubilation agreed. "Kin is Kin, and what one Gompers has, we all share. Blood is thicker than water, and nothin's thicker than a Gompers. That's family law!"

"Yep, Family Law," Jerimiah agreed. "That's just how it is. Speaking of which… which of you boys wants to marry Sissy Jo first? She's got a lot of procreatin' to catch up on and as far as I'm concerned, Hego's done given up his rightful first turn."

Every male in the room raised an arm, including Jerimiah himself. Heck, some of the boys raised two arms and that showoff Cousin Gerard raised a foot.

"Guess we wrassle for her," Hego-twin Livingston smiled, looking at his two dozen male cousins and flexing his mammoth arms that had been known to squeeze the life from a wild pig. "Fore we wrassle _with_ her. Good warm up though… that Sissy always was a handful."

.

.

_To be continued…?_

####################################

_**AN:**__ Just in case there are any questions: 1 – I'm actually part Cajun but I deny that any real relatives may have served as inspiration, and 2- Yeah, this is another odd random start I've had on the back burner forever. I have an extended plot that would follow, but after a little review, I decided that this bit works pretty well as a stand alone, so rather than let it continue to sit on the word processor for who knows how much longer, here it am for your enjoying pleasure. Let me know if you want to see more of 'Sissy Jo," and y'all come back now, y'hear? __**Ye Old Legal stuff:**__ Kim Possible, Shego, Ron Stoppable, Wade Load, Dr. Drakken, Hego, Mego and the Wegos of Team Go, Duff Killigan and all other characters borrowed from the wonderful KP Universe are the creations of Mark McCorkle and Bob Schooley, and those names are all trademarks of the Disney media organizations. Although use in this context may be considered fair under parody law, just in case: this work was not created for profit, no money changed hands etc. Also, this story takes place at a time at which all characters shown should be considered to be over the legal age of 18…_


End file.
